Choice lead, feelings follow….

It has been almost a year since I last posted a blog.  I would like to say that I was just too busy but the reality is that I had plenty of down time.  I think a more honest answer would be that the things I cared enough about to sit down and write about were not things that I really wanted to publicly share my feelings on.  I didn't want my hypocrisy exposed; proclaim to trust in God and his plan but then complain and doubt him for the next 6 months!

The school year ended and I was trying to plan what the summer would look like.  Steven's stay in Tulsa (AA) was sure to be short since he had dominated AA with the Mariners.  Then came the double hamstring injury.  If I'm being completely transparent, I wanted to kill him! Here I am stressing about making living arrangements in Oklahoma or just waiting it out a week to see if he gets sent to Colorado Springs (AAA) and he goes and puts himself on the DL!  Don't get me wrong, injury is almost inevitable in baseball but this one was totally of his doing.   Trust me, that would not have been a blog you wanted to read.

As the season went on the roller coaster continued.  I did end up driving out to Oklahoma which only ended in more chaos and eventual retreat to Wisconsin, where there was some stability and a big yard for Mira!  The summer was filled with wonderful experiences and people but all the while, discontentment hung in the air.  Again, not a blog you want to read.

The offseason was much less dramatic and without much to report, there wasn't much to blog either.

All of this brings me to the present and a little thing called Spring Training.  The very "normal" offseason has come to end as Steven gets back in to baseball mode in Arizona.  This time he will be in Scottsdale at the Rockies' facility and staying with a host family.   I'm sure he has a lot of different feelings going in to this and although I'm staying behind to finish the school year, I do too.

Our church has been doing a series on relationships.  Each week focuses on a different aspect but the reoccurring theme is "choices lead, feelings follow".  Most of my relationship with Steven has been feelings first.  Whether its been our romantic relationship or how we deal with something like baseball, I have been a "feelings first" person.

This year, my goal is to make choices first and let my feelings follow.  I am going to start with Spring Training and choose to be happy that Steven once again has been given an opportunity to play baseball.  To be proud of him for making it to a level that only a small percentage of  people achieve.  To be excited by all of the newness of the Rockies and the places it will take him/us this season. To be supportive as things get crazy.  To enjoy the one-on-one time I will have with Mira and our new baby.

I know that as the days turn in to weeks, this will become more and more of a challenge and those negative feelings will creep up.  I have come to realize though that allowing them to control how I look at baseball or life is a choice.  I can choose to write a blog that could be totally negative or be grateful and write one that tries to find the positive.  I do not have to grow a garden on dark thoughts.  I can make a choice to grow my garden on positive thoughts and let the feelings follow…and those are the flowers that smell the best!

There's No Crying in Baseball

I would guess that the most quoted line from A League of Their Own comes from Tom Hanks’ character when he tells one of the girls on his team “there’s no crying in baseball”.  Last Thursday, I 100% broke that rule.

I had just gotten home from teaching and saw Steven calling.  The conversation started with his favorite phrase these days, “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”  It doesn’t matter which one I pick, he always tells me whatever he wants first so I said I didn’t care.  He said all the work I did setting up the apartment in Tacoma was for nothing.  Immediately my mind went to our roommate, Andrew Carraway…maybe he got called up, maybe he was traded.   Now we were going to be stuck with this expensive apartment unless we could find a roommate.  Before I could finish that train of thought, Steven told me HE'D been traded.  I was shocked.  It was a week in to the season!  He hadn’t even played a home game yet.  I asked him how he felt about it and what would happen next.  We were interrupted by another call so he said we’d talk more later.  I hung up the phone and that’s when the rule breaking started.

On the phone I wanted to be positive, supportive, and strong.  I knew this was a big deal for Steven and that he would have a lot of emotions so dealing with a hysterical wife was not what he needed.  Once that call was ended though, it hit me.  The tears came pouring out.  Where would he be assigned?  Where would we live? Will they switch over our insurance asap?  How would they handle Steven’s heart?  Would the new wives be nice?  Would his teammates like him?  Would he like his teammates? What about Hultzen, Bobby, Pax, Forrest, and all his teammates I had really come to love?  These are the guys we'd lived with, cooked with, fought with, watched Mira for us.  It hit me that the Mariners had been a family, although dysfunctional at times, and every experience I had with Steven and professional baseball was with them.

The more I thought about the fact that I wouldn’t be watching Steven play in Las Vegas next week and wouldn’t be driving to Tacoma, the more upset I got.  I had signed up for a 5k at Safeco and had visions of walking Mira at Chambers Bay.  There were unspoken plans to eat Jimmy John’s and Cheesecake Factory with friends I had made there.  My grand ideas of getting the wives to volunteer at the Tacoma Rescue Mission and have a school supplies drive in the fall were ruined!  My mind drifted to the one question that was most dreaded, is this the beginning of the end? The tears kept coming, as did a giant headache.

While I was busy being consumed with all these questions, the trade was officially announced.  Texts, tweets, phone calls, and facebook messages came pouring it.  I can’t thank those you who took the time to show your support enough.  It was all of that love that snapped me back to reality.  I couldn’t believe that people I hadn’t spoken to in a year were reaching out to wish us well!  It made me realize what great friends and family we have to not only support Steven, but to support me as well. 

With my mind clear, I saw that this was such an awesome opportunity for Steven.  I also knew that we had talked time and time again about growing wherever God plants us so it was time to suck it up and let go of all of the things I felt I would be missing out on.  God was blessing my husband with a new opportunity and has had this in his plan for us all along.  I looked at my daily devotional from Baseball Chapel.  It was called “Who is in Control”.  I probably should’ve read that at lunchtime like I normally do.  It spoke directly to me: “the Lord will fight for you; you only have to be still” Exodus 14:14.  I started to remember more scripture and slowly my heart changed to true excitement and a sense of peace.  The trade had been made.  The Rockies would do as they pleased with Steven.  All we could do was be still and let the Lord do his thing!

Since the trade announcement, it has been decided that Steven should start in AA in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  His team, the Tulsa Drillers, is in the Texas League, which is different than when he was in AA with the Mariners and in the Southern League.  I’m excited to head out there next week to visit him and add yet another ballpark to my ever growing list.  In his first outing with the new team, Steven pitched a perfect inning with 2 k’s.  I couldn’t be more proud of him…not for his awesome pitching but for going into this new situation and giving nothing less than his best.

The more I think and pray about the trade, the more I realize that FDR was on to something when he said “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”.   Who knows what will happen this season with the Rockies or what would’ve happened staying with the Mariners.  Who knows if this is the path to the big leagues or the path to some other calling.  All we can do is continue to trust in God and recognize that there really is nothing to fear and no reason to cry because He is in control!

A Look Back at the Offseason

"People ask me what I do in winter when there's no baseball. I'll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring." Rogers Hornsby

The offseason came and went in the blink of an eye.  Although there was no baseball being played, we definitely weren't just staring out the window waiting for spring!  For us, the offseason brought one wedding, two receptions, a cross-country drive, new house, new town, new jobs, and even a new truck!  Needless to say, we were extremely busy.  I started running and training for an eventual half marathon while Steven worked to stop chewing tobacco.  Steven hunted and I crafted.   We barely had time to get settled and it was Spring Training again!  Baseball seems to always keep us on our toes both in and out of season.  I don't know what future offseasons will bring but I am pretty sure there'll be no staring out the window for the Hensley's!

Defying Gravity

Everyone has heard the expression “what goes up must come down” and being a science teacher, I know all about Newton’s laws and Einstein’s theories.   Being in baseball, I know that it is much more than law or theory; it is reality.  Anyone who follows an athlete’s career from draft day to retiring can also confirm this. 

While some guys shoot straight to the top, it is much more common to slowly climb, move up and down, or bounce from team to team.  In Steven’s career he’s been moved up for temporary reasons (like to be an extra arm in a playoff run) but most of the time when moves are made there is no timeline.  It is easy to get caught up in the excitement of reaching the next level but at some point reality sets in and you realize that you can just as easily be moved back down.  Of course the flip side of that is that you can also called up and get that shot at the big leagues.  Every performance becomes so critical and sometimes its really just about doing the right thing in the right place at the right time.  Baseball is so circumstantial and fickle.  It plays with your emotions and more importantly; it plays with your life.

Recently Steven went through a slump and I found myself fixated on the idea that we’d be headed back to Tennessee.  Steven had warned me not to “ride the rollercoaster” when he was moved up to Tacoma but without really even realizing it, I had.  It took a lot of prayers and kind words from friends and family to ease my mind.  I had to remember that Steven had given his career to God and while I might pray for 1-2-3 innings, that just might not be His plan. I had to remember back to early in the season when someone told Steven to think of himself as a flower and grow wherever he is planted….even if we’re replanted in Jackson.

Once I was able to give in and stop worrying, Steven had a great outing.   I reflected on the whole experience and realized I would need to keep things in check if I was going to survive this lifestyle.   I would have to accept that we would have some great moments but possibly some not so great ones because our goal was to defy gravity…to go up and stay up, and then go up even higher. 

Moving Up

I had started to write a blog about being settled in Jackson as the first half of the season wrapped when we found out that Steven was called up to AAA Tacoma.  Baseball life at its finest!  I still want to mention some of what I had intended to write but obviously this post has taken a whole different turn.

I arrived in Tennessee after a three-day drive from Arizona.  Mira and I dealt with some carsickness and less than fancy hotels, but we made it!  With the car unpacked and the apartment looking more like home, Mira and I found some great walking places and were able to relax.  I started working in the ticket office at the field and attending a local church where I also helped out with vacation bible school.  I planned a fun camping trip with atv-ing and horse riding for the All-Star break.  Jackson didn’t seem so bad and I was pretty comfortable.  That should’ve been a sign that everything was about to change. 

When Steven was told he was being promoted I was waiting in the parking lot after a game.  I was excited and proud, but also completely overwhelmed.  We had 6 hours to get as much of his stuff packed as possible and come up with a plan.  Jackson to Tacoma is a 35 hour drive and I knew it wasn’t a task I felt comfortable taking on by myself.  We had thought this call up might happen, just not now.  A promotion is always a blessing and always the goal so I tried to keep that in mind as I began to run through possible plans with Steven over Steak N Shake.

If you’ve been reading my blog then you know I have really tried to completely trust my life to God and have 100% faith that He will provide and take care of Steven and I.   This has been a great opportunity for me to do just that.  In the last 24 hours I can’t even explain to you how things have come together so perfectly.  Friends and family have stepped in to help us out and one of the church members opened their house to me here until I am able to fully move to Tacoma.   I found that I went from being overwhelmed to being able to just be joyful.

I will be the first one to say that I have definitely insulted God’s power with my worries and anxiety in the past but this time I have let it go.  It has been my prayer that God will continue to lead us and that I will trust it all to come together in His perfect way.   I have to tell you though that as I prayed for God to help Steven and I with this transition I started to feel it was extremely petty.  For the last week a couple in our baseball and PAO family has been dealing with a very scary situation involving their 2 year old son.  His heart stopped beating and he was dead, only to be resuscitated.   This morning as I prayed for God to continue to provide, I just had to stop.  I know God hears all prayers and can help us all but I just had to tell him to focus his efforts on little Copeland.  I know that both Copeland and his family can use all of the prayers possible so I encourage you to read more about their story and lift them up in prayer (http://willlaurenstartup.blogspot.com/). 

Copeland’s story has been a reminder to me that life is so much bigger than baseball; a reminder that God can use both positive and negative situations to draw us closer to Him.  Whether we stay in AAA, move back down, or find ourselves in the big leagues, all we can do is continue to trust in Him to provide for us.  We could not be more thankful for all of the blessings we have received and all of the ways God has shown how faithful He is to us. 

Not For Sale

Since the PAO conference in November, Steven and I have taken a very different view on many aspects of our lives.  One that has changed drastically is baseball.  It is a job but it isn’t a job that just anyone can do.  God has blessed Steven with an amazing talent and we both realized it was time to start using that talent for more than income.

Earlier this spring Steven and I were introduced to a group called Not For Sale.  We became aware of them at about the same time that the KONY 2012 campaign went viral so it seemed fitting to get involved.  NFS uses athlete’s abilities to raise money and encourages fan and critics to get involved as well.  I started thinking; let’s just pretend Steven threw 1,000 strikeouts a season.  I would GLADLY write a $1000 check for that.  Why not pay forward God’s blessings?  We decided to donate money for every strikeout and inning and of course will up the ante when a move to the big leagues is made.

If you are able to join our efforts this season and make a donation we would appreciate it.  It can be based on Steven’s stats or a one-time donation, anything helps.   Ideally we will be able to encourage other Mariner’s and athletes in general to join us so look for your other favorite athletes as well!

Our page....donate here!

For Better or Worse

I haven’t blogged in a while so this post is definitely overdue.  I’m going to give myself a break since school and wedding planning have consumed my life.  Not to mention listening to nightly baseball games and attempting to get back in to running.  It seems like I constantly have something to do, which is good because it has helped the time away from Steven pass relatively painlessly.  The last two months have also brought the start of a new show, “Don’t be Tardy for the Wedding”.  Those of you who know me know that I have few vices.  I don’t smoke or gamble, and rarely drink or curse, but Mt. Dew and the “Housewives” tv shows get me every time.

Kim, the star of the show, is going over vows one day and starts in on the “in sickness and health, richer or poorer” and stops because she says she doesn’t like negativity in her vows.  I get what she is saying; who wants to think about the bad things that life might bring on such a happy day.  The truth is though, life can bring some hard times and one of the blessings on a marriage is that you will have a partner to help you through.  I mean, that is kind of the point of those vows; letting the other person know that you will always be there for them.   

I know every life and marriage has the possibility of things going wrong but I have to wonder how many people really believe any of it will happen.  Two of my friends got married in the last year, both teachers.  Did either of them think about what would happen if he broke his leg and was done working for the year?  If he got fired?  If he was forced to teach across the country?  I doubt it.  Those things don’t happen in most careers.  I think instead couples embrace marriage and accept that there could be a few bumps along the way. 

There are a few situations where the negativity in those vows is especially important and a baseball marriage is one.  I can guarantee there will be bad calls, bad games, bad fans, bad road trips, and even bad teammates.  There will be injury, minor or career ending, and there will be trades, releases, and who knows what else.  Baseball has provided us with some situations that have been testing of us individually and as a couple and will continue to do so.  

The thing about the vows is though that once they are said, there is no turning back.  There is no “the distance isn’t working” or “the measly minor league salary isn’t enough”.  You know getting in to it that the negativity in those vows is a reality and you’re going to be there and be his biggest fan anyway.  There are many people who will be around for the success and the good times, but I think it’s important to say, up front, I’ll be there when you can’t get out of the first inning, I’ll be there if you have a surgery and need a nurse, I’ll be there if we spend our savings chasing the dream and end up broke.  Of course I’ll be there for his MLB debut, when he signs a big deal, and has a jersey retired, but I think we all already know that.  What we really need to hear is the first part, the reassurance, that no matter what, we have someone to turn to. 

I have no idea when or where Steven and I will end up saying “I do” but I do know that when the time comes he can count on me to say every line.