Choice lead, feelings follow….

It has been almost a year since I last posted a blog.  I would like to say that I was just too busy but the reality is that I had plenty of down time.  I think a more honest answer would be that the things I cared enough about to sit down and write about were not things that I really wanted to publicly share my feelings on.  I didn't want my hypocrisy exposed; proclaim to trust in God and his plan but then complain and doubt him for the next 6 months!

The school year ended and I was trying to plan what the summer would look like.  Steven's stay in Tulsa (AA) was sure to be short since he had dominated AA with the Mariners.  Then came the double hamstring injury.  If I'm being completely transparent, I wanted to kill him! Here I am stressing about making living arrangements in Oklahoma or just waiting it out a week to see if he gets sent to Colorado Springs (AAA) and he goes and puts himself on the DL!  Don't get me wrong, injury is almost inevitable in baseball but this one was totally of his doing.   Trust me, that would not have been a blog you wanted to read.

As the season went on the roller coaster continued.  I did end up driving out to Oklahoma which only ended in more chaos and eventual retreat to Wisconsin, where there was some stability and a big yard for Mira!  The summer was filled with wonderful experiences and people but all the while, discontentment hung in the air.  Again, not a blog you want to read.

The offseason was much less dramatic and without much to report, there wasn't much to blog either.

All of this brings me to the present and a little thing called Spring Training.  The very "normal" offseason has come to end as Steven gets back in to baseball mode in Arizona.  This time he will be in Scottsdale at the Rockies' facility and staying with a host family.   I'm sure he has a lot of different feelings going in to this and although I'm staying behind to finish the school year, I do too.

Our church has been doing a series on relationships.  Each week focuses on a different aspect but the reoccurring theme is "choices lead, feelings follow".  Most of my relationship with Steven has been feelings first.  Whether its been our romantic relationship or how we deal with something like baseball, I have been a "feelings first" person.

This year, my goal is to make choices first and let my feelings follow.  I am going to start with Spring Training and choose to be happy that Steven once again has been given an opportunity to play baseball.  To be proud of him for making it to a level that only a small percentage of  people achieve.  To be excited by all of the newness of the Rockies and the places it will take him/us this season. To be supportive as things get crazy.  To enjoy the one-on-one time I will have with Mira and our new baby.

I know that as the days turn in to weeks, this will become more and more of a challenge and those negative feelings will creep up.  I have come to realize though that allowing them to control how I look at baseball or life is a choice.  I can choose to write a blog that could be totally negative or be grateful and write one that tries to find the positive.  I do not have to grow a garden on dark thoughts.  I can make a choice to grow my garden on positive thoughts and let the feelings follow…and those are the flowers that smell the best!